How Do I Know I Can Trust Him Again?
As a Christian couples therapist in Austin, I often hear this in my therapy room. Someone has been betrayed, and they want to trust their partner again. They want to find a new normal, a better relationship than they had before. But before that trusting, new relationship can find its footing, the person who was betrayed has to find reason to trust again.
Remorse is not enough.
Tears are not enough.
You need solid evidence and patterned change over a period of time in order for the risk to trust again make sense. That’s what I hope to explain in this blog.
What Is Trust Anyway?
Let me start by explaining what trust isn’t. Trust isn’t those warm, fuzzy feelings you get when you’re connected and happy with someone. Trust isn’t built on words alone. Trust isn’t something we should offer because we feel obligated to or guilted into.
Trust is found through repeated safe experiences that build a sense of security and reliability.
Trust is built through witnessing and experiencing consistent change over time.
I heard this once and use it in my counseling office often - When someone breaks trust in the marriage, the plug in their bathtub gets pulled. All that water (the trust) used to be full and warm and safe. But that one action emptied the entire tub.
Every time he keeps his word, says he will do something and then does it - about one cup of water is added back in that tub. That’s why it can take so long to rebuild.
“But I Said I Was Sorry”
We’re taught as kids that when we do something wrong, we should apologize and that makes it all better.
Then we get older, and we realize that “I’m sorry” isn’t enough anymore.
A true, healing apology goes much deeper than just the words “I feel so bad, I’m sorry.” A true apology:
Names the offense without excuse or defense.
Acknowledges the impact on the betrayed.
Names the emotions and effects it caused.
Identifies specific action steps to change.
Doesn’t demand forgiveness but patiently honors their partner’s process.
Signs He is Rebuilding Trust
I want to give you some very practical things you can look for that are good signs the betrayer is putting in the work to be different in the future.
He doesn’t defend, minimize, or blame shift his actions. He takes full accountability, and he’s willing to do this however many times you need to hear it.
He’s willing to be transparent with you. He’s willing to give you access to his phone, schedule, location, etc.
He is patient with your emotions as you share your pain - not in a punishing or shaming way but in a vulnerable way to express the effects of his actions.
What he says he will do, he does. Don’t look for perfection, but do look for patterns.
He’s willing to do whatever it takes. Groups, therapy, Bible studies, etc.
Signs it Might Still Be Unsafe
Similarly, here are a few things you can look for that might give you pause before you start to trust again.
He promises things he will do, but he consistently does not follow through.
He is persistently defensive and explains away his actions instead of taking full accountability.
He avoids hard conversations and is not open with you emotionally or draws out your own emotions and experiences.
You feel like he wants you to just “move on” and “get over it” than freedom to heal.
Trust After Betrayal is Possible
If you’re reading this and feeling hopeless and confused, take heart. It is possible for trust to be restored after even the deepest of betrayals. My hope is that in reading this blog you feel a little more equipped to know that it’s safe for you to begin offering trust again. Remember that you can take all your pain, anger, and helplessness to Jesus. He catches all your tears in a bottle (Psalm 45:8) and He cares for you.
If you’re wrestling with how to trust again, you don’t have to do this again. I would be honored to work with you. Reach out to me here, and we can start the conversation.
Remember, it’s not about seeing perfection, but it is about seeing consistency. When walking in the Spirit, nothing is impossible with God.
