My Husband Looked at Porn: A Christian Wife’s Guide to Healing
First of all, if you’re reading this because you recently discovered your husband looked at porn, I’m so sorry. Learning that your spouse has turned to something else besides you for sexual fulfillment or pleasure can be completely devastating. If he hid this from you and didn’t immediately bring it to you, the pain can be even more complex and deep.
Betrayal within a marriage can send even the steadiest of minds and hearts spinning. Maybe you recognize yourself in some of these thoughts:
“Is there something else he isn’t telling me?”
“How will I ever be able to trust him again?”
“This is my fault. If I looked different or initiated sex more, this wouldn’t have happened.”
“I don’t know how to cope with the pain that I feel.”
If any of these sound like you, I hurt with you. And you’re in the right place. Here are 5 biblical, practical steps for Christian wives to grieve, set boundaries, and rebuild trust in marriage.
1. Give Yourself Space to Grieve
It is completely normal to feel a rollercoaster of emotions. Anger at the betrayal, fear of what this means for your relationship, insecurity in yourself, your body, your sex life. You’re not crazy if you feel completely overwhelmed.
In the grieving, bring your pain to God. Pray honestly to Him, not the words you think you’re supposed to say, but the real you. God invites us to lament - meaning we can bring our sorrow, our doubt, our questions, our anger to Him. He can handle it. God doesn’t need or want “churchy” prayers. Bring Him your pain - He cares for you. Remember Psalm 34:8 - “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted.”
2. Learn How to Set Boundaries - Not Ultimatums
People can often get confused with boundaries. Boundaries are not telling someone else what to do. Boundaries are not about controlling him - they’re about protecting you in a healthy way and rebuilding trust.
Here are some examples of boundaries:
“I need us to meet with a counselor to work through this.”
“If you look at porn again, I will need a few nights not sleeping in the same bed for my own emotional safety.”
“I need you to be honest with me no matter what. I can’t rebuilt trust without truth.”
On the flip side, here is what ultimatums can sound like:
“If you do this again, I’m leaving tomorrow.”
“You have to install this exact app on your phone or else.”
“You can never be on the internet by yourself again.”
If the goal is to rebuild trust and openness, controlling him will only deepen your distance. Build boundaries as a way not to punish him, but to bring safety and restored trust.
3. Don’t Be His Only Accountability
Both you and your husband need other life sources pouring into you than just each other. You can’t - and shouldn’t - be the one guiding him to freedom. You will end up exhausted and isolated.
Both of you will need support. Recovering from porn addiction will require being known in a safe community. Many people are hesitant to seek out this kind of vulnerable community. What you’re going through is deeply personal and painful, and you might feel afraid other people will only make it worse. I get it. But don’t do this alone.
In order for him to recover and heal well, he will need to get honest with other men that are truly going to hold him accountable and help him understand the root cause of his behavior. He will need to humbly confess, as we are promised in 1 John 1:9, “If we confess ours ins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” In order for you to recover and heal well, you will also need to get honest with other women that will speak life and truth over you.
4. Remember Your Worth is Not Defined By His Porn Use
Many women whose husbands struggle with porn will struggle with their own sense of self worth. The sexual relationship within a marriage is sacred, and when that sacred place is breached with broken trust, the effects are far reaching. Your sense of worth might be one of those effects.
Friend, his porn use has no correlation with your inherent worth, beauty, and identity in Christ. This is not about your body or what you’re like in bed. This is his sin struggle, not your lack. Your worth is secure in Jesus. Remember 1 Peter 2:9, “But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God’s special possession, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light.”
5. Get Resourced
Remember, don’t go through this alone. Here are some resources you might consider:
Books:
