What is Biblical Forgiveness?
If you’re reading this, my guess is not only have you been deeply hurt, but you’re wrestling with what it means to be a Christian and to have been deeply hurt. You don’t have to be in Christian circles long before you learn what the Bible says about forgiveness. For many believers, verses like “Forgive, not up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven” (Matthew 18:22, paraphrased), or “If you do not forgive, your Father will not forgive you” (Matthew 6:15, paraphrased) have been heard many times. Many of us nodded our heads hearing this in church only to later feel confused and angry when it’s us that have been wounded.
In some Christian circles, you might have experienced wounding when you opened up about a hurt you were struggling to let go of and were immediately met with the above Scripture in response. No time for grief or sorrow. Or maybe you’ve grown tired of those circles and have preferred to believe that maybe you don’t need to forgive in order to be free after all.
My hope is that as you read this blog, and as you rest in the truth of Jesus, your heart can take a deep breath as you learn what true forgiveness is - and what it’s not.
Let’s start with what Christian Forgiveness Isn’t.
Forgiveness is Not:
1. Saying that what happened was okay.
Forgiving someone (In other words, choosing not to hold their actions against them) is not the same as diminishing their actions, excusing their behavior, or saying it was okay. In fact, that’s called enabling. If we’re looking at God as the example we model after, just because Jesus died on the cross for our sins, doesn’t mean He thinks our sin is fine or excusable. In fact, it was so not okay, He had to die! Similarly, true Biblical forgiveness includes holding someone accountable for their actions that were not okay.
2. Necessarily regaining a relationship.
Often, we feel that if we forgive someone, that means we have to “go back to normal.” Many people believe that forgiveness means we let go of our boundaries, don’t expect any change from that person, and pretend like it never happened.
True, Christian forgiveness does not mean that you have to go back to how things were. Especially depending on the severity of the actions, it might not be wise or even possible to return to how things were. It is not un-Christian to choose not to be in relationship with unsafe people. Examples of this could be in situations of abuse - emotionally, physically, spiritually, financially. In other words, forgiveness is not the same as trust.
Perhaps in less severe situations, it might not mean you walk away from the relationship all together, but perhaps it does mean there are clearly communicated boundaries of what you would need to see in order to trust again.
3. Instant healing.
People get confused when they thought they forgave someone after a time of prayer - only to be recalling the situation a few days later and feel anger and grief welling up all over again!
Even for situations that have long been gone and mended, sometimes the mere experience of telling the story of what happened again can bring up the same feelings of sadness and pain. That’s normal. Forgiveness is a process that can take repeated decisions, prayer, and time. When we feel that anger and sense of injustice rise, we may have to choose to let it go, time and time again.
So, if that’s what forgiveness isn’t… What is Biblical Forgiveness?
Biblical Forgiveness Is:
1. For you.
Yep, you heard me right. It’s for you. As a Christian, you’re understandably used to thinking about what’s loving and best for someone else. What do you mean, forgiving the person who hurt me is for me?!
I think if we’re honest, we can often feel like Biblical commands are frustrating, confusing, and even annoying. The command to forgive can even feel unkind - Like it’s another way of saying that what happened to you didn’t matter or wasn’t that big of a deal.
What happened to you does matter. It was a big deal. And what if I told you that God knew forgiveness sets you free?
Did you know research shows that when we don’t forgive, we’re the ones who suffer? Yes, emotionally, but also physically. Storing up resentment inside can give us all kinds of problems - a higher risk of heart disease, poor sleep, fatigue, weaker immune functioning, high blood pressure, you name it! There’s a real cost to resentment. What if God knew unforgiveness hurts those who are already hurt, and He wants freedom for us?
My friend, you’ve hurt enough. You’ve been hurt enough. Biblical forgiveness isn’t about swallowing your suffering. It’s about freedom.
2. Bringing your honest grief to God.
In the fight for forgiveness, many a well-meaning Christian has told you that the obedient thing to do is forgive - Which might be true, but they left out the part where it’s okay for you to be in pain. It’s okay to feel grief and injustice over choices other people made that left you broken.
Biblical forgiveness doesn’t mean you have to pretend you’re not in pain! (Say it louder for the people in the back!!) Bring all your grief honestly to God and let Him handle it. He is a God of justice, and He will fight for you. That’s why you don’t have to take justice into your own hands.
3. A picture of what God has given to you.
When I was in college, I heard a professor discuss Luke 7, and it stuck with me powerfully. “Her many sins have been forgiven - as her great love has shown. Whoever has been forgiven little loves little.” What stuck with me was this: Those who have been forgiven much, love much. And I had been forgiven much.
I was recovering from having been abused in high school. It was a weighty thing for me to consider. That because Jesus had forgiven me of so much, He had also given me the capacity to love much. Perhaps to even forgive someone who had abused me. Not because he asked for forgiveness - That never happened. Not because he “earned it.” But because I grasped the great depth of what I had been forgiven of, and that compelled me to forgive in a radical way that set me free.
Don’t Do This Alone
These are weighty topics to consider. If you’ve been deeply wounded and are struggling to forgive, you’re not alone and you’re in good company. If you’re looking for Christian counseling in Austin, TX, I’d be honored to walk with you as you heal.
Fill out my contact form, and I’ll get in touch with you soon. Let’s walk the difficult but healing road of true forgiveness together.
If you’ve been betrayed in a relationship, you may also find my post on How Do I Move On After Getting Cheated On? helpful.
