What Not to Do After Discovering Infidelity

First of all, if you find yourself reading this blog because you recently learned your partner has been unfaithful, I’m truly so sorry. It’s hard to think of anything more disorienting as infidelity.

Even something like clicking on blog posts like this one can be our way of trying to regain stability and safety again - When everything is spinning, we want answers. We want the do’s and don’ts!!

While I can honestly say I don’t have all the answers, I would be honored to share some wisdom and therapeutic counsel as you navigate this heartache.

Don’t Push The Pain Down

After infidelity, it’s natural to want relief from all the overwhelming emotions—grief, anger, confusion, anxiety.

In the counseling office, I often use this example. Pushing down pain is like trying to hold a balloon under water. Maybe you can be successful with it for a time, but only for so long. That pesky balloon is going to keep coming up and up and up, no matter how hard you try. The balloon isn’t meant to be pushed down.

Just like how your pain isn’t meant to be pushed down.

As a way to cope and try to survive, many turn to distractions or even to dissociating from themselves completely.

Instead of numbing out or avoiding it completely, try this:

• Notice when the pain comes up

• Give yourself permission to feel it

• Commit to coming back to process it when you have capacity

Like the balloon, if you don’t, it’s going to come up anyway. Bring it to God and let Him tend to your pain.

Don’t Ask For Graphic Details

Did you know that many betrayed partners develop PTSD like symptoms? Nightmares, avoidance, hyper-vigilance, etc.

One factor that can intensify these symptoms is overexposure to traumatic details.

After betrayal, your brain craves answers. Your brain feels like it NEEDS answers to try and make sense of it all. And in this, many end up asking very intimate or graphic details about the infidelity that only end up causing them more harm.

Instead of demanding answers to every burning question, I encourage you to write your questions down. Pray over them. Process them. Ask God if you really need the answers. Let some time pass.

Then, with a sense of groundedness, and covered in prayer, ask the questions you need to know, not just want to know.

Don’t Punish but Do Set Boundaries

This is one of the most important distinctions in betrayal trauma recovery.

There is a difference between setting boundaries and emotionally punishing your partner.

Healthy boundaries sound like:

Ex. “Right now sleeping next to you doesn’t feel emotionally safe. Can we work on finding another arrangement for the next month and then re-evaluate?”

Or

“I’m really hurt and angry, and I need space tonight to process. I’m not in a place to connect right now.”

Emotional punishment sounds like:

Ex. “If I’m triggered, I’m going to shut down or lash out, and you just have to deal with it.”

Or

“Don’t touch me. You disgust me. I don’t even know why I’m still here.”

Do you see the difference? When we emotionally punish our partners, we weaponize our pain because we want them to hurt as much as we’re hurting.

Boundaries, on the other hand, are about:

• Protecting your emotional safety

• Clearly communicating your needs

• Defining what you will do if those needs aren’t met

When you set boundaries, you’re assertively sharing what you need for a certain time period without blame. The difference is really important.

Don’t Isolate

I talk to a lot of women who feel ashamed and embarrassed about what’s happening in their personal lives, and they suffer alone.

Please, my friend, don’t suffer alone.

What I tell clients who feel uncertain about this, is to build trust with people little by little. If opening up feels overwhelming, start small:

• Share a small piece of your story with someone safe

• Pay attention to how they respond

• Look for compassion, curiosity, and emotional steadiness

Trust is built over time. As it grows, you can continue sharing more.

Making real friends takes work, and it takes time, but when you’re reeling from having been cheated on, that’s when you need support (and trusted wisdom from others) the most. When you’ve been betrayed, safe connection is essential for healing.

Do Consider Therapy

Infidelity can deeply impact your sense of self, your nervous system, and your ability to trust.

Parker Counseling offers Christian Counseling in Austin, Texas specializing in betrayal trauma. If you’ve been cheated on, I’m so sorry for your pain, and I’d be honored to work with you and help you heal.

Reach out to make an appointment today.