How Long Does it Take to Trust Again After Cheating? | Christian Counseling Austin, TX
It’s the most natural question in the world to ask. If you’re wondering how long it takes to trust after being cheated on, you’re probably past the initial shock and disorientation. You’re ready to move forward and heal now… so why does it feel so hard?
For a lot of women, after the days, weeks, (or months) start passing by, they start to wonder if the pain will ever end. They wonder if they will ever see their spouse the same way. They wonder when the relationship will feel “normal” again.
For some, they see their spouse putting in the work (going to therapy, going to groups, being accountable, etc) but they still struggle to fully relax with them the way they once did.
For others, the path might not be so straight. Their spouse might appear to do some work, and then change their mind and pull back, and then start again, etc. And that confuses you and sets your healing back even further.
Even if you’re not asking how long healing takes, I bet your partner is! You might hear them say things like…
“Are you ever going to trust me again?”
“How will this relationship work if you can’t trust me?”
“How long are you going to hold this over my head?”
The journey to healing after infidelity is not for the faint of heart.
It’s not for the impatient, either.
How Long Does It Really Take to Trust Again After Betrayal?
I won’t just give you the typical “everyone is different” answer. While there is truth to that statement, it’s also true that betrayal trauma therapists tend to see some of the same numbers repeatedly.
Most therapists who specialize in betrayal trauma, myself included, see that it takes about two years to recover after cheating in a marriage. The six months are the hardest, and the second half of that first year can still be extremely disorienting.
What Factors Make Trust Rebuilding Take Longer or Shorter?
That number can change for a variety of reasons, including the depth/nature of the relationship, the time spent in the relationship, and how deep/pervasive the betrayal itself was. Research shows that the longer the marriage, the deeper and more painful the betrayal trauma. A one-time lie or emotional distance is going to take a lot less time to recover from (Sometimes just a couple months) than an affair that lasted years.
“How long it takes” also depends on the unfaithful partner. If they are ready to take full responsibility, accountability, approach conversations with zero defensiveness, and do “whatever it takes” that can speed the process up.
Additionally, if both partners are fully committed to the process of healing, that also speeds things up. If either the unfaithful partner isn’t ready for full accountability or if one or both are still discerning the future of the relationship, that is going to slow trust building and healing.
What Does it Really Mean to Trust God with Rebuilding Trust?
“Trusting God” can feel really confusing to a lot of Christian women in this arena. I hear them ask questions like,
“Does trusting God with my marriage mean I should just stay no matter what?”
“What does being a godly wife mean in these circumstances?”
“What do good and godly boundaries look like after getting cheated on?”
If these questions resonate with you, I’d encourage you to read my blog post, “Should I Stay or Divorce After Infidelity” or “How Do I Know I Can Trust Him Again?”
I believe that trusting God does not have to mean we turn a blind eye to our marriages.
Trusting God does not have to mean we don’t have a voice or choice.
I believe trusting God while rebuilding trust in a hurting marriage means believing that God has goodwill towards you, that He wants good for you, and as much as marriage is sacred to Him, it’s also important that the marriage itself is honoring to Him.
Trusting God while rebuilding trust in your marriage means that you can release control of your husband’s actions because at the end of the day, he answers to God and not to you.
Trusting God while rebuilding trust in your marriage means that when your heart is broken, you can’t see straight through your tears, and you wonder how you’ll go on… You hold onto His hand that’s holding you up through the worst days of your life.
What If You Don't Feel Like You Can Do This Anymore?
If you’re reading this thinking, “Two years? I can’t do this another two minutes” I hear you, and I genuinely feel for you. You don’t have to make any major decisions today or even this week. I’d invite you to come to therapy, slow down, get some care for your hurting heart, and find hope again. You don’t have to do it alone.
A Few More Questions I Hear Often
Is it normal to still not trust my husband after a year?
Yes, this can be normal. Especially depending on the length of and severity of the betrayal, it can be completely normal to still be struggling with trust a year in. It can feel like a year “should” be enough time, especially if he’s putting in the work, but healing often runs on its own schedule. Be patient with yourself.
Can a Christian marriage survive infidelity?
Yes. Yes, it absolutely can. I’ve walked with both women and couples who have survived infidelity and made it through to the other side. They got there by leaning into the hard. They didn’t pretend it didn’t happen and went on with their lives. They put in the consistent work and came out on the other side.
Do I have to forgive my husband if I don't trust him yet?
Forgiveness and trust are not the same thing, even though a lot of us were taught to treat them like they are. Forgiveness is something you can offer as an act of obedience and freedom for your own heart. Trust is something that has to be rebuilt, slowly, through his actions over time. You can forgive today and still need more time before you feel safe trusting again.
What if I feel like I don’t trust him and I never will?
Remember that trust is not an “all or nothing” switch. It’s something that is worked on, earned, and given in increments. It takes time for that safety to rebuild and grow. If you feel stuck in this area, bring it into the counseling room. Sometimes that feeling is unprocessed trauma that just needs more support.
Betrayal Trauma Counseling for Christian Women in Austin, Texas
As a Christian counselor in Austin, TX, I specialize in walking alongside women navigating the pain of betrayal trauma — whether that's infidelity, pornography, or broken trust in marriage.
You don't have to figure this out on your own. I would love to come alongside you, help equip you, and support you through this really challenging time. Reach out to me today to get an appointment scheduled.
