Why You Can't “Just Get Over It" After Betrayal | Christian Counseling Austin, TX

I can’t count how many times I’ve heard variations of the below in the counseling room…

• “It’s been three months since found out about the affair, and I still have really bad days. Shouldn’t I be over it by now?”

• “My partner wants to know “how long” it will take for me to “get over the porn discovery.” I don’t know what to tell him.”

• “I know I’m supposed to forgive, but sometimes I’ll get this wave of anger or sadness. Does that mean I’m not over it?”

If you’re having thoughts like these, you are not alone.

Healing After Betrayal Trauma Doesn't Come with a Timeline

Have you heard the age old phrase, “time heals all wounds?”

I'm not so sure about that one. Time can help. But time alone certainly doesn't seem to heal all wounds. Time, in combination with a lot of hard work, processing, measurable steps of change, forgiveness, and trust rebuilding — that can heal wounds.

To just expect ourselves (or our partners) to “feel better” simply because time has passed isn’t reasonable. Our wounded hearts need more than that.

Betrayal Trauma Feels Like PTSD - Because It Is

One of the hallmark symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is intrusion, or flashbacks, nightmares, or unwanted memories. Note the keyword unwanted.

• The feeling of fear you get when you see your husband on his phone longer than he normally does.

• The rush of anger when he comes home 10 minutes later than he promised.

• The surge of anxiety when he tells you his company has asked him to go on another work trip.

None of these feelings are wanted. The hyper vigilance and constant scanning for danger isn’t something you’re inviting. It’s intrusive, unwanted, and just plain hard.

So, it’s not as simple as “getting over it” as if you can decide to that in a day.

Part of the goal in therapy work is to learn how to cope with those feelings of fear, anger, and anxiety so that they don’t control you or your marriage. There is hope that these feelings don’t have to dictate how you live your life.

Accept That Healing from Betrayal Trauma Is a Process

Many couples are shocked to learn that after infidelity, it can take a couple years to heal and feel "normal” again. The first year is often pretty rough, with a lot of bumps and bruises.

Yes, you read that right. Years.

I don’t say that to discourage you, but I do share it to help bring some clarity and stabilization. Slow down. Allow yourself to slow down and encourage your partner that this is going to be a process, and it’s not something to rush through (Although it would feel a lot easier if you could!).

I share with my clients that at some point, the “bathtub of trust” in your marriage was full. The water was to the top, it was warm and inviting and safe. On the day of discovery or disclosure, that bathtub was emptied with every last drop gone.

• Every time he does what he said he would do, a cup of water is added.

• Every time he isn’t defensive but takes accountability, another cup of water is added.

• Every time he lets you know what he’s feeling when he feels tempted instead of pulling away, another cup of water is added.

And still so many more will need to be poured in. Be patient with yourself. Be patient with the process and look for measurable growth.

"But I Just Want to Heal and Move Forward”

I hear you. I want you to heal, too. I want your life to feel normal again, too.

The mistake that couples make when they just want to “feel normal again” is that all of this gunk gets pushed under the rug, it goes unaddressed, and the cycle will continue and repeat itself. It initially feels better but in the longterm it sets you up for more and more heartache.

Don’t make that mistake. Don’t pretend everything is fine when it’s not. Face what’s happening, and don’t do it alone.

Betrayal Trauma Counseling for Christian Women in Austin, Texas

As a Christian counselor in Austin, TX, I specialize in walking alongside women navigating the pain of betrayal trauma, whether that's infidelity, pornography, or broken trust in marriage.

You don't have to figure this out on your own. I would love to come alongside you, help equip you, and support you through this really challenging time. Reach out to me today and let’s start your healing journey.